My darkness

Sometimes I think I've become too comfortable with sadness. I wear it around my neck, like a winter coat to keep me warm.
How is it that sorrow has become my comfort, my home? I am afraid to move forward, I am afraid to venture into the uncharted territory that is happiness.
Contentment is just in reach. If I stretched my fingers far enough, I could grasp it and pull it close. Instead I cling to my darkness because it is familiar to me.

Why am I afraid of the light?

28/09/2012

'Life becomes easier when you learn to accept an apology you never got' - Robert Brault.

Maybe I'm still waiting for an apology from my dad, although truth be told there is a very slim chance this apology will ever see the light of day.
People have always said 'Time heals all wounds' but for me time has only seemed to make my wounds grow bigger and deeper.
I start to ask myself questions about my life and how I've ended up where I am today. Could I have done something to prevent things from turning out the way they did? Could I have stepped up and helped my sister and protect her from the cards that life life has dealt her. And saved her from her daily battle of the 'black dog', and could I protect my mum's heart from being broken, or was this really part of some 'bigger plan' that people always talk about.
Some people also believe that 'Everything happens for a reason' but I'm still trying to work out what that reason is. Because this whole chapter of my life that seems to be on constant repeat at the moment isn't benefiting anybody. Especially not me.
It's been 6 years and I still feel like I'm in the same spot I was back then just 6 years older. It's still a daily battle learning to accept my new life, living with a whole new family, (which don't get me wrong I'm truly grateful for them). There is still a small piece of me that wonders what I've done to deserve this. Growing up I'd never thought I'd be the kid that has to decided which parent they want to live with, where they are going to spend birthdays, eater and Christmas. It just never seemed like that was going to be how my life would end up, but it did. All because of the choices my dad made. My whole life has been turned upside down and most days I still feel like I'm standing in my head, confused about wether or not after 6 years of constantly being lied to wether its even worth trying to work on my relationship with dad.
Because after all relationships can't be built on lies. But at the same time his my dad. What are you suppose to do when faced with this decision? And why does it seem to be taking this long to work through? Does it happen to everybody that goes through this? Can it really be that hard to accept my new life? Is it really worth fighting for? But do I really want to give up! I just don't know anymore.

They say 'life gets easier when you learn to accept an apology you never got' -Robert Brault, but maybe I'm still stuck on trying to accept it.

The people you'll meet

There are two people you'll meet in your life.
One will run a finger down the index of who you are, and jump straight to the parts that peak their interests.
The other will take his or her time to read through every chapter, and maybe fold down corners of you that inspired them.
You will meet these two people, it is a given.
It is the third that you'll never see coming, that one person who, not only finishes your sentences, but keeps the book.

This is your life!

This is your life, do what you love and do it often, if you don't like something change it. If you don't like your job, quit. If you don't have enough time, stop watching tv. If you're looking for the love of your life, stop, they will be waiting for you when you start doing things you love. Stop over analysing, life is simple. When you eat, appreciate every last bite. All emotions are beautiful. Open your mind, eyes and heart to new things, people and places. We are united in our differences, ask the person next to you what their passions are and share your inspiring dreams with them. Travel often. Getting lost will help you find yourself. Some opportunities only come once, seize them. Life is about the people you meet and the things you create with them. So go out and start creating. Life is short, live your dream and share your passion.

Its time to make a change

So after the recent viral outbreak of the Kony 2012 movement that has started globally, I've begun to think and question our society. For years it has been pointed out to us, how much it would cost to end poverty, or at-least start to reduce its effect. But, for some reason, although there are many organizations out their doing a great job at opening up our awareness to it all, no one has really seemed to make it hit home to everybody just how simple it could really be. I mean if you really think about how many people are in a financial position to help those in need there's a pretty high % of us, yet we seem to be so consumed and caught up in what we want, that we are too distracted or too uptight about giving away what we have worked for to give it to those in need, those who can't help themselves.
Why is this?
Has the value of human life decreased, do we not feel that everyone deserves to have a life worth living?
It makes me sick to think that celebrities who earn millions of dollars for really doing nothing more than a day to day job, yes making movies or songs, but that's there talent what they are gifted in, but aren't we all talented and gifted in what we do? Yet no one else seems to get paid millions for all the hard work we all put in to our daily jobs.
What would happen if someone decided 'you know what I'm going to make a movie and instead of paying people to act in it, I'll put the money towards giving someone hope for a better life.' What is stopping someone who can have a huge effect on the world doing something as simple as this?
All it would really take though is for everyone who lives in a developed country to donate a dollar, yes just $1, it really doesn't seem like much does it.Compared to what we spend on things that aren't life essentials it's nothing, but to someone who has no clothes, no access to clean water or to medical aid, it could mean the difference between another day of life, or death!
Are people really so blind and cold to think that they are the only ones who deserve to have a nice life.
After spending 6 weeks in Cambodia 2 years ago, it really made me stop and think about life in a whole new perspective. It taught me to appreciate the simplest things in life, like having a house, family, friends, clothes, fresh drinking water and food everyday.
I met a young girl while I was over there, she was 9 yrs old and her name was sunny, she lived with her grandma, because her mum, brothers and sisters had all died of aids, and her father she only saw every couple years because he had 7 other wives. Sunny and her grandma could go days without having anything to eat, but it never stopped her having the biggest smile on her face. She went to school 6 days a week because she wanted to one day go to uni. She had dealt with all of this and she was only 9! I couldn't believe it, as she told me her story I fought back tears, had I really been so selfish, always wanting more than I had the latest phone, new clothes, a better car and all for what? None of the things I wanted would give me a better life.
I also met a lady while I was over there called Bo she had 6 kids, and her husband died when her youngest was a baby, and while she had us at her house every day for lunch she often went without feeding herself or her kids until we were satisfied. We would talk to her everyday about what it was like living in Cambodia, she told us how she had dreams of being able to give her kids a better life, how she wishes things could be different for her and her kids, on the last day of our time in the community she came up to me and asked if I would bring her youngest son back to Perth with me and raise him for her so she knew he could have a better life, this broke my heart to hear a mum tell me how she would give up seeing her son everyday so he could have the essentials for a long healthy life. I can still picture their faces now, through everything they were going through, they still managed to smile. How they do it, I'll never know, all I know is that it's time our generation made a stand again poverty, against child abuse, against anything that prevents someone from living the life that everyone deserves.
I'm just thankful that I had the opportunity to experience this and see it first hand. I prayer though is that more people will start to look past what we want, and see what others need! Now is the time for us to stand up and change the world.

Its your future...

Would you want to see the future, even if you knew you couldnt change it??

So I've been thinking about this quote a lot lately, I've even asked some friends what they think.

Most of them said 'No', that they would prefer the future be a kept hidden , so that they could be surprised by life, and experience everything as it happens not waiting, expecting things to happen.

But for me, the truth is I would love to see what my future looks like, maybe not my whole future, but just certain aspects. I would like to know that I'm heading in the right direction, that my new career i'm about to start in 2 weeks is the right one, that I'll be good at it and excel my knowledge and make a difference in people lives.

I'd like to know that the thoughts constantly running through my head are going to happen, that it's not just my desire but also the desire and goals God has for my life also. After all my life is to please him and do as he so desires not just what I want at this present moment in time.

I'd like to know that the move i'm thinking of embarking on in a year is right, that it's not just my heart telling me to go and leave everything that's comfortable for me, but that there is a greater purpose behind this. I'd like to know that it's not just a spur of the moment idea but that it has a meaning.

I believe this next year of my life will be one where I grow not just emotionally, spiritually and physically, but that I also learn to support myself, and can learn to be braver and stronger in who I am as a person. After all, if I plan on living by myself, in another state away from the comfort of my family I'll need all the inner strength I can gain.

Yes, I'll be able to meet new people, and learn what it's like to have to rely completely on myself but I think it's an important step I need to take. Everyone has to take this step at one point in life, and I don't want to look back and realize that I could of had it all if I'd only plucked up the courage to try new things and take big steps instead of relying on others to do it for me.

I have no doubt that it will be challenging and hard, but it will also be a journey of self discovery. Where I can learn so much more about who I am, what I stand for and what's in-store for my life and my future.

So would you want to see the future, even if you knew you couldn't change it??

A big change ahead.

Growing up in a family that was constantly moving around, interstate, i hated it as a kid, because it meant you were always like an outsider, the new kid on the block. Who no one knew, but you also never knew how long you would be staying there for, so you were always uncertain as to weather or not you should even consider making new friends.
Now in life when things feel like they're falling apart all I wanna do it gather everything up and move, and start fresh somewhere where no one knows me, but I can't.
A couple weeks ago my life was perfect, I had a good job, an amazing bf and was just enjoying life. But now things have changed, although I have been offered my dream job, one that I have been wanting to do for a long time. I just don't feel like doing it, see my boyfriend (well his now my ex boyfriend) lives in Melbourne. We grew up together, we were pretty much inseparable, that was until I moved to Perth 8 years ago. Over that time we didn't speak to each other and I guess we changed a bit. Which is expected I mean we won't stay the little kids we were back then forever.
But see I can't handle the fact that the only reason why I'm not dating my best friend anymore is because of the distance. I love him and I don't wanna loose him over something that at the moment seems so big,and hard to deal with. But I also know that I don't wanna look back on this moment in 5 years and say 'I lost the guy I loved because I wasn't brave enough to spread my wings and make a change for myself'
So I'm seriously starting to think that I actually want a new start, which would mean moving back to Melbourne, meeting new friends again, living on my own and finding a new job, I'd love to go tomorrow if I could, but I can't, I have to stay in Perth for at least a year so I can complete my post grad and be registered as an enrolled mental health nurse.
I know it would mean leaving behind friends that I have in Perth and moving away from my mum and sister which would be the hardest thing I'd ever have to do, but I guess sometimes in life you need to spread your wings and do things for yourself. Other wise you'll never get anywhere.
In the meantime though I have to convince myself that I can make it through this year and prepare myself for a huge change. I know inside I need to do this, I've always been my mothers daughter always hated being away from her but I have my other family in Melbourne, aunts, uncles, cousins, and life long friends as well, which has its bonus cause I can spend more time with them and make for the 8 years I've missed out on seeing them for.
I guess when you know you've found that one special person, you know you'd do anything you could to hold onto them.

Do you know how much you move me

Do you know the way you move me? I see every time you laid down those other things for me, I see every time you seek my face beloved one. I see every movement of your heart towards me, I do. I see every little movement of your heart towards me. Though you're weak my beloved, I see your love, I see your love. And though it's small my beloved, I see your heart, I see your love. And though it ain't much my beloved one, I see the way that you want me, that you need Me, that you've gotta have Me, I see it. I see every little desire, every little passion, every little piece of hunger, every little thing, I see it all. Nothing goes unseen from My eye, nothing goes unseen from My gaze. Every time you look towards Me, I see it, EVERY TIME you stare at Me I see it, I see your love, how small it may be I see it all my beloved one. Every time you look My way I see it, every time you stare at me I see it. Though it feels a little weak sometimes, though it feels a little broken sometimes, I see every second, every little glance, every little glance my way, I see it, I see it, I love it, I love it, I love you just the way you are, I love you, I love you, listen my beloved one. Every little glance towards me, I see it. Every little time you look at me I see it. Every movement of your heart, every movement of your heart, I see it.

Do you know the way you move Me? Do you know the way you move Me? Do you know? Do you know the way you undo My heart My beloved? I love every sacrifice you've made, every time you say no one cares, I see it. Do you know the way you move Me?

You're beautiful just the way you are. You're beautiful My love, My dove, My favorite one, My joy, I love you right where you are, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you. I'll never stop, I'll never stop! I'm so in love with you, my bride, I'm so in love with you my favorite one. With every single little glance, with every movement of your will, with every decision that you've made, I'm undone. I love you with an everlasting love, I love you with an everlasting love. I'm not disappointed in you, I'm not angry with you. I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you. So don't hide your face from me, I'll break off shame, I'll break off condemnation, it's gone, it's gone, it's gone, it's gone, you're free. You've ravaged me, I'm undone, I'm not disappointed, I'm not angry, I'm in LOVE with you! You've ravaged me, I'm in love with you.

Do you know how you've caught my eye in the secret place where you chose to die? Where you chose to lay it all down, where you chose to follow me, where you chose to take up that cross day after day after day after day. You've ravaged my heart, you have. Just one glance of your eye, just one. My heart it's undone every time you look at me. Everyday that you don't give up, that you don't let go, that you don't look down, my heart it's undone, my heart it's ravaged.

Do you know the way you move Me? Do you know the way you move Me?

I saw when you gave it all up. I did. I saw it when you gave it all up. You passed up opportunity after opportunity just to seek me, just to find me, just to love me a little longer, I saw it. And it moved my heart. Don't think those little sacrifices go unnoticed. Don't think those little times go unnoticed, when you think I'm not looking at you. I saw it, I saw when you gave up everything to follow me, I did. I did and I'm pleased, and I'm proud, and I'm not mostly disappointed, and I'm not mostly mad, and I'm not mostly sad, and I'm happy with you and I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you. My beloved one.

Do you know the way you move Me? Do you know the way you move Me?

I saw it when you left your friends behind, and I saw it when you left your family behind, and I saw it when you gave up everything just to follow me, just so you could love me a little bit more. I saw it when you left your friends behind, and I saw it when you left your family behind, and I saw it when you gave up everything, when you let go of everything just to find me, I saw it. I'm pleased and I'm proud. I love you, thank you! It really means something to Me that you did it all. It really means something to me that you gave it all up, that you gave it all up, and it's not for nothing, I'll meet you there in the longing. It's not for nothing, it's not for nothing, it's not for nothing. I saw it, I saw it.

Do you know the way you move Me? Do you know the way you move Me?

I saw it when you took the narrow road, I saw it when you took the road less traveled, I saw it when you took that narrow road, it's a little bit lonely sometimes, I saw it. I saw it when you left your friends behind and took that narrow road of love. I saw it. I saw it. I saw it. I love you, and I love you. I love you. I see your HEART, and I SEE YOUR HEART! That you want Me, I see it.I see it. I see it.”"""

Too young

Sometimes I feel like a kid who's trapped in an adult body, not ready to leave the security of my mums arms. I feel as is people look at me like why are you here, your clearly to young to understand the job, you need more life's experience, but really how is one supposed to get life's experience when no one will offer you the chance to actually experience it for yourself. I mean people always tell you to get out and do more, see more and spread your wings. Yet its like the moment you do and the moment you feel ready in yourself someone comes along and takes it all away, because apparently your still too young, or you just don't understand what your doing. What happened to the days of encouraging people and assisting them to help them achieve more and take that one step closer to achieving their goals and dreams.

You are who you are for a reason

You are who you are for a reason,
You're part of an intricate plan,
You're a precious and perfect unique design,
Called God's special woman or man.

You look like you for a reason,
Our God made no mistake,
He knit you together within the womb,
You're just what he wanted to make.

The parents you have were the ones he chose,
And no matter how you may feel,
They were custom designed with God's plan in mind,
And they bear the masters seal.

No, that trauma you faced was not easy,
And God wept that it hurt you so,
But it was allowed to shape your heart,
So that into his likeness you'd grow.

You are who you are for a reason,
You've been formed by the masters rod,
You are who you are beloved,
Because there is a God.

~Russell Kelfer~

Taken from the book ~purpose driven life